LA TIGRESSE, DE GIANINA CARBUNARIU
Une mise en scène de
FAUSTINE KOOIJMANN
Le 31 mai et 2 juin, à 20h | Le 3 juin, à 15h
0. PROLOGUE
ANCHOR 1. Good evening! Welcome to our show. The story we’re about to tell you is about a Siberian tiger born in a beautiful medium-sized European city. Two years ago, Mihaela the tigress escaped from our city’s zoo and roamed free for about five hours before the authorities were able to locate her.
ANCHOR 2. We tried to understand the circumstances in which this event occurred, trying to trace every step of the feline from the moment it left its cage. We mainly used the interviews we conducted ourselves; however, we also took material from the archives of the local television.
ANCHOR 3. You are going to see a documentary show, a show built from interviews with most of those who interacted with Mihaela and who agreed to share their experience. We would like to thank them all for their kindness and assure them that we have tried to remain as faithful as possible to their testimonies.
– 1. interview with the cab driver –
THE CAB DRIVER. So, how did it go? I’ll tell you how it went. It must have been 9:09, 9:10. 9:20 at the most. I drove a group of tourists to the zoo. The tourists had barely gotten out of the car, and I found myself with… how can I say, I didn’t even see him get in the back seat. And once the customer gets in the car, you can’t say no anymore. Whoever the customer is, he’s a customer. Well, can we afford to look at what they look like these days? They just have to be a customer. Have money. I assumed he wanted me to drop him off at the city center. « Should I drop you off near the pedestrian street? » I assumed he was okay with that. It’s true, I did most of the talking during the ride. I can’t remember… about stuffs. Yes, I do remember. Of the city. How beautiful it is here. Especially the center. Completely renovated. We have a very beautiful city, very quiet and the people are friendly and hardworking. We have a city… How to put it… As any self-respecting European city should be. It is a pure wonder, it makes us all proud. Of course, there are places that are less… Less pleasant, so to speak. But it’s going to get better, you can’t fix everything at once. These are small problems, nothing big. It’s like… But it’s not the city’s fault, it’s problems that come to us, so to speak, from outside. Well, yeah. From the South. All the problems we have today come from the South. Them, they were brought to us from there, from the South. The streets are full of them. They come, they like it, and unfortunately they stay. They are noisy, they are violent, it is impossible to get along with them. I showed them to it in the street: « Look at them. Look, there they are, in groups, hanging out next to the parks, all day long. And at night, let’s not talk about it, you can’t go through there. Well, you can go through, but at your own risk. They were brought in at the time of the summit, when the capital was cleaned up to show that it is a European city, they parked them in cars and unloaded them here. I heard that it would be too expensive to kill them. I don’t know, but we can find a solution. Put them in a pen somewhere outside the city. For instance. I don’t think they’ve bitten anybody, I mean, I don’t know anybody who’s been bitten by these dogs… But for biting, they certainly bit. That’s… that’s pretty much what we discussed. He was listening, he seemed interested, even though he kept looking out the window. Like a tourist. He was admiring. I think he liked what he saw. We arrived near the pedestrian street and I told him, « I’ll leave you here. » He opened the door and was about to leave. I said, « Hey, ho, it’s 15 euros a ride, it’s not free, right? » He looked at me in amazement. I said, « ‘Well, we can work it out man to man, we’ll do it like this: you clean my windshield and mirrors and we’ll call it a day. For free, that’s not possible, in this town, everyone works. » He wiped my windshield, he wiped my mirrors… and even my headlights. With his fur. He was all bundled up, he had a big fur very… cute. Then he quickly took the pedestrian street. After that, I minded my own business, another group of tourists called for me. It must have been 9:40? That way. I hope I’ve answered your questions correctly.
– 2. interview with two homeless people in the downtown park –
HOMELESS 1. We’ll tell you how it happened. I’m the one who saw him
first.
HOMELESS 2. I saw it before you.
HOMELESS 1. I was the one it talked to first.
HOMELESS 2. It was mute until I invited it to drink with us. Then it nodded to say « yes », it felt like cuddling the bottle.
HOMELESS 1. We didn’t invite it, it invited itself. FYI we do not invite just anyone to drink with us.
HOMELESS 2. Well, it wasn’t just anyone.
HOMELESS 1. Well, it wasn’t the Queen of England either. I’m sorry. In the end, it was nothing but a… A… Anyway, I realized right away that it wasn’t a he, but that it was a she.
HOMELESS 2. You don’t even know if you are a he or a she yourself. You said to her: « Hey puss, come here a little. »
HOMELESS 1. Puss sounds feminine. The fact is that that day I was able to get us some money. And I had just taken a bottle of booze.
HOMELESS 2. More exactly disinfectant.
HOMELESS 1. We mixed it with water.
HOMELESS 2. And she goes, « Yes, I was born here, in this city. »
HOMELESS 1. And where are your parents from?
HOMELESS 2. And she goes, « Well they’re from here, too, from this town. »
HOMELESS 1. Were they born here?
HOMELESS 2. « Oh, no, they’re from Siberia. »
HOMELESS 1. Well, you see? That’s it. It’s only from the third generation onwards that you can say you’re really from here.
HOMELESS 2. Well, in the end, the most important thing is to take care of your business.
HOMELESS 1. Yes, that’s what I told him when I realized that it would never end with him. With her.
HOMELESS 2. She had started to get a little upset.
HOMELESS 1. She wasn’t screaming or anything, but she had started to growl. And I didn’t want a cop to show up and ask us what the hell we were doing there.
HOMELESS 2. The important thing is to mind your own business and stay in your place. If everyone stays in their place, it’s quiet, it’s prosperous. Everyone wins.
HOMELESS 1. Then I asked him what he did for a living.
HOMELESS 2. She didn’t have a job. I even told her, « In this city, if you don’t have a job, you have to get one. Here, if you don’t work, you don’t live. It’s not like anywhere else. »
HOMELESS 1. You can’t help it, you have to find a job.
HOMELESS 2. And now you’ll see the idea that I had. That he had… I say… He says: « Fur, pay attention, please: we’ll find you something to do. But you have to be serious. Serious. »
HOMELESS 1. The foreigners like the more unusual faces. More exotic.
HOMELESS 2. I don’t even know how many pictures I’m on!
HOMELESS 1. The tourists think that we don’t notice, they say they are taking pictures of the monuments, but we know very well that in fact they want pictures of us. Because we are more special.
HOMELESS 2. Because they also have monuments at home. And maybe even more beautiful ones.
HOMELESS 1. I say, « You come with us to get your picture taken and we’ll split the winnings in half. » He didn’t bargain.
HOMELESS-2. Well, what could she negotiate. It was your idea. You hired her.
HOMELESS 1. It was my idea, but it doesn’t count. He agreed.
HOMELESS 2. She couldn’t not disagree. Given you told her, « The first day you work for free because you were offered a drink. »
HOMELESS 1. Drinking is not free. You have to pay somehow.
HOMELESS-2. She agreed. We went to the center. To the places where we usually take pictures.
HOMELESS 1. To the unavoidable, as they say. We were very successful. Tourists came in packs.
HOMELESS 2. In ten minutes, as much money was collected as in a whole day.
HOMELESS 1. So I said, « Let’s take a break. We deserve it. I’m going to get a bottle of disinfectant from the store… »
HOMELESS 2. And I’m going to fetch water from the fountain.
HOMELESS 1. We left him alone, I put a hat in front of him. I mean, who wants to be photographed helps himself and pays.
HOMELESS 2. This was your idea.
HOMELESS 1. You were the one who first said to take a break.
HOMELESS 2. It doesn’t matter anymore. The point is that I trusted his good faith.
HOMELESS 1. And to the good faith of the tourists. Go fuck yourself all… Sorry. Still, we came back after about… How much can I say…
HOMELESS 2. About half an hour.
HOMELESS 1. I would say an hour. There was a long line in the store, plus we stopped on the way.
HOMELESS 2. Well, when we came back…she was gone.
HOMELESS 1. She had left her position.
HOMELESS 2. This was to be expected. She didn’t seem to like working.
HOMELESS 1. She didn’t have much experience either. Tourists, you have to know how to put them in your pocket.
HOMELESS 2. Tourism is not within the reach of… You have to know what and especially how to offer people.
HOMELESS 1. and minding his own business.
HOMELESS 2. You also have to like to work a little.
HOMELESS 1. Well, frankly, I don’t think she liked it.
HOMELESS 2. She was used to standing there doing nothing. It wasn’t until I found out where she came from that I understood.
HOMELESS 1. She would stay there, get her little drumroll, and sleep all day.
HOMELESS 2 It seems that she didn’t move all day. Tourists were throwing stones at her through the gates. And she still didn’t move. That’s not the way to do business.
HOMELESS 1. Ah sure, it’s different when you get out of your cage.
HOMELESS 2. On the open market, as they say.
HOMELESS 1. The proof is that it didn’t hold up.
HOMELESS 2. Ah sure, it’s more comfortable to stand there and wait for food to fall into your mouth. No ?
HOMELESS 1. Ah sure, it’s different when you get out of your cage.
HOMELESS 2. On the open market, as they say.
HOMELESS 1. The proof is that it didn’t hold up.
HOMELESS 2. Ah sure, it’s more comfortable to stand there and wait for food to fall into your mouth. No ?
3. TV interview of two tourists
THE FRENCH TOURIST. I was just arrived in this village… In this town…
THE ROMANIAN TRANSLATOR OF A LOCAL TELEVISION. I just arrived in this city.
THE JAPANESE TOURIST…. Beautiful little town.
THE TRANSLATOR…. in this exceptionally beautiful city.
THE JAPANESE TOURIST. I take pictures every where I go. I have probably few hundred pictures from this town.
THE TRANSLATOR. He takes pictures everywhere he goes and has over a thousand pictures of our city.
THE FRENCH TOURIST. Everybody taking pictures… to what ? To what ?! To the people who are begging everywhere you go to sit and drink a coffee ?
THE TRANSLATOR. He didn’t have time to take many pictures. But he did find it nice to have a coffee and enjoy the terraces.
THE JAPANESE TOURIST. I like European cities. They are different. It is a very different culture.
THE TRANSLATOR. He likes European cities because they are different.
THE JAPANESE TOURIST. I took pictures with buildings, not so much with people. They don’t stay still. I like clear pictures.
THE TRANSLATOR. He likes to take pictures of buildings, not people. People move too much and don’t come out right in the pictures.
THE JAPANESE TOURIST. Europeans like mascots. I like them more than I like people because they stay still so you can take pictures with them.
THE TRANSLATOR. He likes mascots very much because they pose wisely.
THE FRENCH TOURIST. So I was drinking a coffee in one of those restaurants. Outside. Checking my email, reading the news. Few beggers passed asking for money.
THE TRANSLATOR. On the terrace, he checked his e-mails and read the news.
THE FRENCH TOURIST. When he, her… This creature stood next to me, I said to myself : if I don’t look at it finally it will go away and leave me alone.
THE TRANSLATOR. Somebody… A creature sat at the gentleman’s table without asking permission, but he didn’t mind too much.
THE FRENCH TOURIST. But he didn’t go away. He didn’t say anything like « pliz ghiv mi mani » or « donne moa un euro ». He simply started to eat my omelette. He ate all of it !
THE TRANSLATOR. He sat at her table, he didn’t ask her for money, but he ate her omelette. All of his omelet.
THE JAPANESE TOURIST. This tiger… This mascot… This tiger mascot was very cooperant with the camera. I took more than twenty photos, different angles. He was born to be a model, I must say.
THE TRANSLATOR. That tiger… This mascot… This tiger mascot was very cooperative with the camera. He took several pictures of this mascot.
THE JAPANESE TOURIST. After I made the pictures, I said maybe I should look a bit at him. It was fascinating I must say. This mascot looked really real. For few moments I forgot about everything.
THE TRANSLATOR. After taking pictures, he started to observe the mascot because he found it fascinating. This mascot was made in a very realistic way. He forgot everything while looking at it.
THE FRENCH TOURIST. Then… He drank my coffee. And he served himself from my pack of Gauloise. Yes, I know, it is unbelievable, but that is exactly what this… This creature did. I managed not to look at him one single moment. I avoided any eye contact.
THE TRANSLATOR. The creature drank his coffee and smoked only one cigarette from his pack of Gauloises.
THE FRENCH TOURIST. Avoid eye contact. And keep as close as you can your belongings.
THE TRANSLATOR. He applied the eye-to-eye avoidance method and kept his eyes glued to his bag.
THE JAPANESE TOURIST. When I woke up from my fascination, the camera was gone.
THE TRANSLATOR. When he woke up from his fascination, his personal camera was gone.
THE JAPANESE TOURIST. The camera vanished with all my pictures. I have another one, it is not a problem. But with other pictures.
THE TRANSLATOR. His camera was gone, but he’s not mad because he has another one exactly like it.
THE JAPANESE TOURIST. I complaint to the police and they did like this… He shrugs his shoulders.
THE TRANSLATOR. He filed a complaint with the police about his missing camera. Our police did everything they could. He appreciated their efforts and was generally impressed with the city and its people, despite this unpleasant incident.
THE FRENCH TOURIST. Finally he stood up. No « Merci », no « Au revoir », no nothing. I paid half of the bill. It was obvious he won’t contribute. Enough, eh? That was the moment when I raised my eyes from my laptop.
THE TRANSLATOR. The gentleman only paid half the bill, but the person… The creature didn’t want to participate. It was then that he looked up from his computer and looked at it. He surprised it. He surprised it.
THE FRENCH TOURIST. I saw him.
THE TRANSLATOR. He saw it.
THE FRENCH TOURIST. We need something to believe in, something to hold on in this crazy crazy world… A kind of… A kind of Messiah. But today Messiah can not come in a human shape. The human shape it’s so so compromised.
THE TRANSLATOR. We need something to believe in, we need something to hold on to in these crazy times. We need a Messiah. But not a Messiah in human form. The human form is totally compromised.
THE FRENCH TOURIST. So I guess his idea to come as… As a tiger was not in the end such a bad one. Believe me, I saw him, I saw him…!
TRANSLATOR. That’s why he thinks the tiger’s idea of coming into the city, among us, was not a bad idea at all. He saw it… He saw it, and in general he was also extremely pleased with our city and our country.
– 4. interviewing local representatives of crow, pigeon and sparrow populations
THE PIGEON. I’ll be honest with you and tell you straightforward: town squares belong to the pigeons. Everywhere in Europe, everywhere in the world, the squares belong to the pigeons. Of course, they belong first and foremost to the humans who built them. They belong to the children, to the tourists. But immediately after that come the pigeons. So if we start from this premise, basically we don’t have too much to debate. This has been a violation of our territory.
THE RAVEN. Parks, including trees, belong to crows. Well, to men too. But men are so selfish, to be polite.
THE SPARROW. We sparrows know nothing, we have heard nothing.
THE PIGEON. The zoos are for birds and captive animals. Okay, so we go there sometimes. On a visit.
THE CROW. Of course, we also go to the zoo, like everyone else. Especially when the humans go there. Because they go with their arms full of popcorn.
THE PIGEON. When you mix things up it’s not good. You want proof? All the mess that happened. After it was on TV and people started to lock themselves in their homes, who were the first to suffer? The pigeons, of course. There wasn’t even the shadow of a child’s foot left. We were starving for several hours. It’s not fair. We have to find a way to live together anyway. That is, if we really are a community.
THE CROW. For us, « crowish population » as I heard we were newly labelled, it was much better. They finally left us in peace to worry about more serious problems. They were even able to make a notable observation. There are real dangers and invented dangers.
THE SMILE. We have seen nothing… We didn’t hear anything…
THE PIGEON. It was a very difficult day. They have purely and simply simply forgotten.
THE CROW. It was finally a lighter day. They have simply forgotten about us. I’ll tell you frankly: they’re mad at us. And not just here in this city. In every city. All over the world. We have a hard life, what is it…
PIGEON. Usually they like us, we even feel good here in this city. Personally, I won’t go anywhere else. I feel I belong to this culture. I really feel it.
THE CROW. It seems that we are attacking the city. That we’re leaving junk on the sidewalks, in the parks. What the… Human kind is like that: it sees the mote in his neighbor’s eye, but not the beam in his own.
PIGEON. We can have small arguments. On the subject of droppings, for example. However, coming from us, droppings are considered good luck. If you look at the city, what it looks like, I think we have also contributed to this happiness.
THE CROW. It seems that we are noisy. Noisy… We are! But of course, we are noisy! Can you believe it, noisy!
THE PIGEON. We are part of the collective identity. We are the symbol of tranquility and peace. The characteristic features of this city. Despite small accidents. Insignificant.
THE SPARROW. We don’t know… We don’t have time to…
THE CROW.. It’s said that we steal food. An aberration. We don’t steal, we take the discarded food. We clean up after you! And one more thing: if crows settle somewhere, it’s a sign that the place is prosperous. When we don’t find any more food, goodbye. For the moment the question does not arise. So, I would say it’s a good sign.
THE PIGEON. That’s why the city takes care of us. They have even installed food dispensers for us in the square. This is a sign of respect from the authorities.
THE CROW. So, these authorities don’t know what to invent, they have these ideas, some more stupid and criminal than others. We don’t know how to read, well, that’s true. Nobody’s perfect. But we are not stupid. We learn things too. The latest one. A city hall employee filled the city with posters on which… I’m quoting from memory. It says: « My fellow citizens, I have received several complaints of a problem that has been troubling the neighborhood in which you live for some time, and I am referring to the birds, particularly the starlings and crows that have made their nests in the trees in the high school yard. I know that these birds bother you in many ways, such as dirt, noise, and smell. The method I propose to apply urgently is to expel them with a shotgun, which is the fastest and cheapest method. I will personally take care of this problem! Sincerely, your local advisor… » See, I didn’t even remember the name. Not that I couldn’t, but I just didn’t want to, goddamn it, I’m not going to remember the names of all these morons. I don’t even know how to comment. Well, how do you expect me to comment on such genocide?
PIGEON. We saw her, but we didn’t get too close to her. You never know with this kind of people. It’s better to keep your distance.
THE CROW. I saw it, of course, but I didn’t get too close, because I’m not stupid. I stayed with the gang and we watched it from the top of the tree. We had a good laugh, yes. Well, there was something to laugh about. All the hunters and armed forces were in the woods, and it was roaming freely in the city. Of course, you have to have perspective to see this. But what perspective can this army of criminals have?
THE PIGEON. Nobody has the right to piss on our city like that. Nobody has the right to piss on us like that. That’s what its kind do: they come, they pee, they invade, they mark. We had several cases of fainting in our ranks that day. Because of the smell of piss, of course. Fortunately, everything turned out fine. It was an unpleasant incident, but as always, the authorities did their job. I am pleased with that. We, the whole pigeon people, are satisfied with it.
THE CROW. An army of criminals who shed blood. What in God’s name is wrong with the city, or at least above the city? Where does it say: « No tigers allowed »? Or « No crows allowed »?! Where does it say that? Where is it written? Then write it down!
THE SPARROW. We, the sparrows, have heard nothing… We don’t have time to… All day long we are on the terraces, our eyes riveted on the tourists’ plates. Maybe, maybe there will be something left. There’s never much left. You men have such an appetite! Now, of course, some of us passed that day. About forty-five of us. My sister too. So, forty-six. She was looking into the plates of some tourists when Mihaela, Lady Tigress, stepped forward… And wham! She’s gone, my little sister. But it’s because of her lack of attention. What do you want, these things happen.
– 5. interview with the retiree –
THE ANCHOR. You look at the camera.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. I was coming back from shopping, I had gone to get some milk.
THE ANCHOR. Speak slowly, shaking.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. I was coming back from shopping.
THE ANCHOR. Slower, but not shaking as much.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. I was coming back from shopping.
THE ANCHOR. A little faster.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. I was coming back from shopping, I had gone to get some milk. It appeared from behind the old car of the first floor neighbor. She slowly approached me, with cat-like steps. I entered the building.
THE ANCHOR. You look behind you.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. She was following me. I went up the stairs.
THE ANCHOR. You look behind you.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. She was following me. She always kept a distance, as if not wanting to attack me. I invited her in.
THE ANCHOR. Wide hand gesture. Smile.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. I live alone, a female indvidual has not entered my house since…
THE ANCHOR. You’re winking at us.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. Years ago. My wife died five years ago.
THE ANCHOR. Short break.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. I put milk in a bowl for him…
THE ANCHOR. You lean forward.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. She emptied it. I gave her a bowl,
THE ANCHOR. You lean forward.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. She emptied it. Finally, I poured it all out for her,
THE ANCHOR. You bend over again. You remain stuck in this position.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. It’s not every day that we receive such guests.
THE ANCHOR. You start to get up slowly.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. I talked to him about many things, about our youth. How difficult our life had been, but that we had also had moments when I could say that we had been happy. Now…
THE ANCHOR. You say something unintelligible.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. Now, what do I… We don’t even know what… She just stood there listening, nodding, smiling from time to time. I realized that I was saying to her « ‘Dorina », that was my wife’s name, « what a time… Dorina, you remember… » I got emotional, she got emotional too, I even felt like at times she had tears in her eyes.
THE ANCHOR. You take out a handkerchief and blow your nose.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. Nobody stays to listen to us anymore, we don’t count anymore… Maybe for the votes. But for the rest… And just when I was telling him how we were touring Romania with our green car…
THE ANCHOR. You clap your legs with your hands.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIRED. …the trouble started. That’s what happened.
THE ANCHOR. You get up and go to the window. You come back to the chair. Towards the window again. You turn around like a caged lion.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. Here, behind the building, there is a kind of ground… before it was beautiful, there were the greenhouses of the railroads, now… Well, on this field all kinds of… young people, especially in the evening, they come with music, alcohol, they fight, they insult each other. I tried to say a few words to them, like that, nicely. What do you think they did to us? They threw shit on the walls of the building. You may have noticed when you came in, half the building…
THE ANCHOR. Show to the right.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. Is isolated and whitewashed, the other is…
THE ANCHOR. Point to the left.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. Stayed like that. I live on the left half.
THE ANCHOR. You make a short sneeze.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. Where it’s not isolated. I had no money.
THE ANCHOR. Shrugs your shoulders.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. Where would I find him? They threw shit all over the building, and on the insulated side and on the uninsulated side. If you only knew how angry the neighbors got, especially those on the insulated side.
THE ANCHOR. You burst out laughing. Suddenly, you become serious again. You turn around like a lion in a cage.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. They told me to stop picking on them, otherwise it would come to this. At my age, I have to start arguing with people I would never have argued with… Since then, I haven’t said anything to them. We all sleep with one ear, because they are out on a binge until five in the morning. They don’t have a job, they don’t have anything, and all they think about is messing around. The police? They don’t patrol around here. I’ve never seen them myself. If you call the police, they come, they question them, they give them a fine… which they can’t afford to pay anyway, and it will always be the poor parents who will have to pay it out of their pensions. And who are they going to take it out on next?
THE ANCHOR. Clench your fist.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. These scum are capable of breaking all our windows,
THE ANCHOR. Clench your fist even harder.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. To break all the doors.
THE ANCHOR. Shake your fist at us.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. And to get into us by trampling us.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. Where would I find him? They threw shit all over the building, and on the insulated side and on the uninsulated side. If you only knew how angry the neighbors got, especially those on the insulated side.
THE ANCHOR. You burst out laughing. Suddenly, you become serious again. You turn around like a lion in a cage.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. They told me to stop picking on them, otherwise it would come to this. At my age, I have to start arguing with people I would never have argued with… Since then, I haven’t said anything to them. We all sleep with one ear, because they are out on a binge until five in the morning. They don’t have a job, they have nothing, and they just think about doing something stupid. The police? They don’t patrol around here. Personally, I’ve never seen them. If you call the police, they come, they question them, they give them a fine… which they can’t afford to pay anyway, and it will always be the poor parents who will have to pay it out of their pensions. And who are they going to take it out on next?
THE ANCHOR. Clench your fist.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. These scum are capable of breaking all our windows,
THE ANCHOR. Clench your fist even harder.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. To break all the doors.
THE ANCHOR. Shake your fist at us.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. And to get into us by trampling us.
THE ANCHOR. Open your fist and wave your hand to say you’re in over your head.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. No, the police are not a solution. The gendarmerie even less.
THE ANCHOR. Raise your index finger.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. We would need a Vlad the Impaler in our country, to take them and throw them all in jail. Or at least a Ceausescu.
THE ANCHOR. Go to the window. Come back.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. Where was I? So… Ah yes, the party started behind the building. My living room window overlooks it. I was telling our little stories, but there was such a mess that we couldn’t hear each other talk. I went to the window.
THE ANCHOR. Go to the window. Come back. ‘
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. Where was I? So… Ah yes, the party started behind the building. My living room window overlooks it. I was telling our little stories, but there was such a mess that we couldn’t hear each other talk. I went to the window.
THE ANCHOR. Go to the window. Opens the window.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. I said, « Keep it down, kids, it’s nap time. »
THE ANCHOR. Tap your watch.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. « There may be people who want to
rest. »
THE ANCHOR. Come back from the window. Swear in your beard.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. Fucking bastards! One says, « Forget it, Grandpa, you’ll have plenty of time to rest in your grave. » That’s who I’m dealing with… Not a minute had passed and they had already thrown a bottle. Into the house. Let me show you. I was here, she, she was in this chair where I’m sitting now… I’ll show you. The bottle flew through the window because it was open and the curtains were not drawn. In her direction. Being extraordinarily agile, she immediately dodged it.
THE ANCHOR. Do a quick flip.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. The bottle broke against the TV.
THE ANCHOR. You have tears in your eyes.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. And the television broke too. I was petrified, it was my only joy. That’s when she… took me in her arms.
THE ANCHOR. You take yourself in your arms.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. She squeezed me, like this. Then, in a second,
THE ANCHOR. You jump to the window.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. She jumped out the window. What is a second floor for her, I saw on TV how fast they jump… She jumped and I immediately heard screaming. She started chasing them, you can’t even imagine! Everyone went to the window to watch. But nobody had time to see anything. They all disappeared. She also disappeared behind some cars, just as she had appeared.
THE ANCHOR. You sit down on the chair.
THE ACTOR WHO PLAYS THE RETIREE. They were not seen again behind the building… at least for three days. Then they came back. They never threw bottles or shit again. But the noise and the music… as much as before. God, there’s nothing you can do. You can put a tiger after them, it’s no use.
THE ANCHOR. You shrug, helpless. You say something unintelligible.
– 6. interview with the owner of the car and the owner’s car –
THE OWNER OF THE CAR. There’s not much to tell. From the moment you violate my property, I am, how do you say…
THE OWNER’S CAR. Furious.
THE OWNER OF THE CAR. Entitled, yes, entitled to retaliate. Because until the law gives me justice, these types of people will continue to show up and do whatever they want in my house.
THE OWNER’S CAR. It didn’t even get into the house, don’t exaggerate…
THE OWNER OF THE CAR. It came in behind me in the yard, I was just driving home with my car…
THE OWNER’S CAR. With me.
THE OWNER OF THE CAR. Yes. I have very high and solid doors…
THE OWNER’S CAR. Yes, in principle, you can’t pass through them. We can see nothing beyond our doors.
THE OWNER OF THE CAR. Well, even so, when I got out of my car, I found myself face to face with this animal. With this disgusting animal right in front of the door. I’m sorry but I don’t have any other words to describe it…
THE OWNER’S CAR. Well, that’s exactly what it is: an animal. Or what it was… Or what he had been.
THE OWNER OF THE CAR. I say, « What’s an animal like you doing in my yard? I’m asking you nicely to get away and go back where you came from. » It had no intention of moving. It was probably attracted by the noise of the car, it has an extraordinary engine… Anyway, I saw that he didn’t want to leave, so I went into the house.
THE OWNER’S CAR. He started scratching the door… Right about here.
THE OWNER OF THE CAR. I went in, got the gun from the closet…
THE OWNER’S CAR. I already knew the look on Baby’s face when he would see…
THE OWNER OF THE CAR. And then it nailed me to the spot. What can I say… No, wait, wait a minute, so that we understand each other. When I go out in town, I only park next to cars of the same type. Those who have Renaults, Peugeots or other trash cans, they don’t mind scratching their cars. But someone like me who has a Maserati, a Bugatti or whatever, he opens the door carefully, he parks carefully. So when I saw what that miserable animal had done to me, I ‘m sorry, but I don’t have any other words…
THE OWNER’S CAR. Well, that’s exactly what it is: an animal. Was. Well, was.
THE OWNER OF THE CAR. Is such a thing possible in a country where ownership is guaranteed by law? I went straight to it. And you won’t believe it, it was there with its big mouth, making its little grunts. And as it was there, with its mouth wide open, I pushed the barrel of the gun between its teeth… It didn’t move anymore. I opened the safe, I took the wrench… In rage, I didn’t even know what to do to it first. I tore off a fingernail.
THE OWNER’S CAR. A claw.
THE OWNER OF THE CAR. After that, I tore the rest off.
THE OWNER’S CAR. On the principle of an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth and a scratch for a scratch.
THE OWNER OF THE CAR. It didn’t say a word. Well, what could the damn animal say when I had all the evidence of trespassing. Degradation of private property. I told him, « Get out of here before I call the police. » I was, what can I say…
THE OWNER’S CAR. Generous.
THE OWNER OF THE CAR. I was mad with rage. Someone else in my place would have kicked him to the curb. Or made him buy a new car. What could that miserable animal have paid with? I made this collar with his claws. I put it here, on the dashboard.
THE OWNER’S CAR. The claws of the animal symbolize passion, courage and extreme agility.
7. ER doctorE
THE ER DOCTOR. Like in the emergency room. One goes in, the other goes out. You don’t even look at the patient’s face anymore, you’re a sewing machine on autopilot. At some point, entered… the individual. It had some pretty ugly wounds, the upper and lower extremities were bleeding profusely. I started stitching him up. Two minutes later, another patient fell on me. While I was sewing this one up, another one came in. He said, « When are you going to take me, because I’m going to die right here. I said, look, you just have to lift… sir, put yourself in its place, but I can’t guarantee that someone else won’t come in and lift you up and sit in your place. He started yelling that his life was more important than the life of a… well, you know that kind of talk, I don’t want to… And he continued to yell. And I kept sewing the other one up. And all of a sudden, I saw red and then… Yes, I think I pricked anywhere… Because the one I was stitching started to scream in pain. A scream… How can I put it, it’s like blood running through your veins. And then, then I started screaming too. Like that. When I stopped, the guy who fell on me was gone. The other one wasn’t screaming, either. I sewed it up and it was gone. I heard the whole hospital. The next day… I kept thinking about it and eventually I sent several applications to hospitals abroad. The very next day. I’ve already received responses from England. And from Germany.
– 8. interview with the bank manager and one of her employees –
THE BANK MANAGER. It was 12:45. It’s even written on the slip. She forgot it at the front desk. I, of course, am not in the front. I arrived later. My coworker can give you more details. He has been in direct contact with…
THE BANK EMPLOYEE. I did not immediately understand what the client wanted: to get information, to open an account with us, to get a loan…
MANAGER. Of course, not all customers who come into a bank know how to formulate their requests. There are many elderly people or people without any knowledge of banking… Therefore, we try to help them.
EMPLOYEE. Of course, there are situations, especially these days, where customers come in a little… A little embarrassed. Especially those who are interested in real estate loans. I’ve noticed that they don’t know exactly how to explain what they want, not because they don’t know what they want, but because they know they have no chance of getting what they want.
MANAGER. But they are coming to learn, which in principle is a good thing. The main problem we have, well, not that we have, but they have, is that their wages are too low. (She signals to the employee to continue.) Please!
EMPLOYEE. In the meantime a huge queue had formed behind her. Behind the lady.
MANAGER. We’ve also had a staff lay-off, and there’s nothing we can do about it. The crisis, the competition… However, we work very well this way. Those who remain are forced to become more operational, more efficienti. Which is a good thing in principle.
THE EMPLOYEE. I finished my explanations, the client still did not get up from its chair.
MANAGER. Which, in principle, is a good thing, it means that it’s really an interested customer, who wants to know more.
THE EMPLOYEE. I asked him several times, « Can I still help you? » « Please let me know if I can still be of any help to you, as you can see there are still many customers waiting behind you. » Of course, the customers had started to rant and, of course, it was my fault again because I wasn’t fast enough. I asked her for her ID. She gave me her ID. Name: Mihaela… I couldn’t find it in the file. I deduced, logically, that it didn’t have a credit card. Nor any other credit with us. I assumed that iti wanted a consumer credit. I took a good look at the customer to try to guess what it could secure it with. Since it wasn’t saying anything…
THE MANAGER. We train our employees to always be one step ahead of the customer. To see what solutions can be found to help them. Which, in principle, is a good thing, right?
EMPLOYEE. In a second, I identified the one thing she could secure her loan with. Her fur. I explained the terms, the steps she had to go through. I showed her the contract.
MANAGER. Here is the contract. Signed. And by the bank. And by the client.
EMPLOYEE. I valued it at 5,000 euros. I gave her a loan of 250 euros. When we tried to give her the money, she started to grumble. I don’t know what got into her. Because I talked to her very nicely. Very politely. Very calmly. She wouldn’t take the money. She threw it on the floor. Well, after all, it’s her money, it’s her business. I signaled to the security guard who approached. I left the security guard with the customer and went to tell the management.
MANAGER. Which, in principle, is a good thing. These days, you never know what can happen. People are desperate, and when they’re desperate, they resort to all sorts of… All kinds of extreme actions. This never happened to us before. We were not afraid. We didn’t have to be. We have a security and protection system, surveillance cameras…
THE EMPLOYEE. Even if on the surveillance video you can’t distinguish very much its maw well… Its muzzle. Its face.
MANAGER. When I arrived, iti was no longer there. So I, personally, didn’t see her.
THE EMPLOYEE. Even the money was gone. The people waiting behind it picked it up off the floor. Well, after all, it’s itsi money, it’s its business. In two seconds, they cleaned up.
MANAGER. No, we weren’t afraid, there was nothing to fear. It’s pretty hard to rob a bank these days. Almost as hard as getting a loan. Which, in principle, is a good thing. I’m talking about security. If you want, we can look at the images… But you can’t see much. These people… Our clients…don’t all know how to keep the privacy distance. We remind them all the time, but… Look at them, the way they’re hustling, they’re taking the money and leaving. Stop! Rewind… Zoom in! Zoom in further, further… This is the maximum? Here is the fur collar. A very clear proof. Now I’ll tell you the story with the fur… A nightmare. A madness. Our lawyers are trying to untangle all the threads in this story. So, at this point, we should get the fur back. We have a signed contract with the client. Of course, unfortunately she passed away. But the fur is ours, according to the contract. However, the zoo claims that our client was their property. Fur included.
THE EMPLOYEE. In other words, they claim that the fur did not belong to the client. Therefore, itz could not use it as collateral.
MANAGER. What seems to us…
THE EMPLOYEE. Truly… Atrocious… Absurd?
MANAGER. Aberrant! But that’s not all. The zoo donated the fur and bones to the biology faculty. For science.
EMPLOYEE. And now the university says they are the rightful owners.
MANAGER. The story is very complicated… We… Well, our lawyers are still hoping to recover what can be recovered. Because, at the end of the day, we have a contract and all we ask is that it be respected. Which, in principle, is a good thing, right?
– 9. interview at the zoo with animals who asked to remain anonymous –
ANIMAL 1. Seriously? This really happened in our zoo?
ANIMAL 2. I only know the official version. The one that took place.
ANIMAL 1. Something vague… Some approximations…
ANIMAL 2. For the details… I can’t help you.
ANIMAL 3. As I was his neighbor, I saw everything. That morning… Was it a Tuesday? No, I think it was a Saturday or a Sunday… Because there were tourists…
ANIMAL 1. It’s something… They come in the morning. For two days, they’re all over us: photos here, movies there, stones here, branches there, popcorn here, screams there. What a species these tourists are. I can’t stand them.
ANIMAL 2. They get us so drunk that on Sunday nights we all get pissed off. How many times have I not pissed you off? Or you on mine? What fights! With blood, with broken hands, with shredded faces. And what screams, the zoo roars. On Monday morning it looks like there was a war. You’ll have to come back and see this.
ANIMAL 3. As I was telling you, that morning Uncle Costica, our janitor, cleaned the cage, got out of there, closed the door but… he didn’t lock it! He emptied the garbage bucket into a bag that he had in a wheelbarrow, he entered her house and the others, he stayed to chat as usual… He’s a friendly man, Uncle Costica.
ANIMAL 1. Yes, he tells you a lot of stories.
ANIMAL 3. Don’t interrupt me because I’m losing my train of thought. Then, Uncle Costica opened the trap door to let them go into the visiting pen. And then she saw the door open. And she went out. That’s normal. Who wouldn’t? I think she barely had time to take two steps before Uncle Costica saw it. He came up to her and said, « What are you doing? Mihaela! » And she said, « I’m going out for a walk. And he: « Come on, baby, do you want to hurt me? They’re going to kick me out, I’m going to lose my job. »
ANIMAL 1. And Uncle Costica was right. They really did kick him out. Frankly, I was sorry…
ANIMAL 3. Will you stop interrupting me? So she goes, « Don’t worry, Uncle Costica, I’m just going out for a while… To see the city. » And he says, « But, Mihaela, what’s the point of seeing the city? It’s not for you, you’ll get lost and you won’t find your way back. » And she: « No, what do you mean? I’m going to mark my territory, do you think I’m stupid? » And he: « My girl, you think about me a little. What am I going to tell them? » And she goes, « I don’t know, Uncle Costica. Tell them the truth: I went out to see the world. » And he says, « But here there are strict rules, no one goes out like that… when they feel like it. Do you know what happens to animals that run away from the zoo? » And she goes, « What? » And he tells her, « Well we shoot them, they’re not going to try to argue like we do now. »
ANIMAL 1. And Uncle Costica was right again…
ANIMAL 3. Stop interrupting me or I’ll break your face. So. Its goes: « I’ll take the risk. I want to see the world, I’m dying of boredom here, Uncle Costica. These tourists are driving me crazy… » And shes says: « My little darling, you don’t know what freedom is. You were born in captivity. You don’t have the reflexes to defend yourself, to take care of yourself. And they don’t take the time to discuss, they execute you, period. Plus, you don’t know the language. » And she goes, « I’ll learn. » And he goes, « Look, Mihaela, here you are an attraction, over there things will be different. People like to come and visit you, but they don’t like to be visited. Come on, be good and go back inside. » And she said, « Uncle Costica… No! Kiss! » She turned her back on him and disappeared, went into the woods. The rest I don’t know.
ANIMAL 2. Well, when everyone heard that our Mihaela had gone for a walk, do you know how it became? Empty!
ANIMAL 3. Desert !
ANIMAL 1. The benches were filled with purses. Everyone was out the door in a second.
ANIMAL 2. After that, I, personally, don’t know anything else, except that they shot her.
ANIMAL 1. Now the question is: did we force her to leave?
ANIMAL 2. Here’s what we know: our vet left with a tranquilizer gun…
ANIMAL 1. The one he uses to put us all to sleep. We’re mad at him…
ANIMAL 3. There was also a professional hunter. The one who shot him. I heard that the vet would have shot her first with the tranquilizer, she got upset… Hell, even in the wild you can’t behave in a civilized way. Because she, by God, was coming back to her cage.
ANIMAL 2. You can’t get along with men. They boast of being more enlightened than us, of being civilized, of not being… animals. But such a civilization, no thanks!
ANIMAL 1. I heard she jumped on them. When they fired the tranquilizer.
ANIMAL 2. Here’s what we know: our vet left with a tranquilizer gun…
ANIMAL 1. The one he uses to put us all to sleep. We’re mad at him…
ANIMAL 3. There was also a professional hunter. The one who shot him. I heard that the vet would have shot her first with the tranquilizer, she got upset… Hell, even in the wild you can’t behave in a civilized way. Because she, in the name of God, was coming back to her
cage.
ANIMAL 2. You can’t get along with men. They boast of being more enlightened than us, of being civilized, of not being… animals. But such a civilization, no thanks!
ANIMAL 1. I heard she jumped on them. When they fired the tranquilizer.
ANIMAL 3. I heard that she was calm. She made such a pout that she looked nervous to them, but actually she wanted to explain to them. To tell them something.
ANIMAL 2. She didn’t have time. The hunter fired.
ANIMAL 1. Now, watch out, Mihaela… Let’s not forget what she has to her credit. In the animal file.
ANIMAL 3. What do you mean?
ANIMAL 1. What do I mean? Maybe she didn’t shred a tourist’s leg a year ago?
ANIMAL 3. He didn’t provoke her maybe? He kept putting his leg through the gate, he threw all kinds of things at her, because she wasn’t paying attention to him…
ANIMAL 1. I for one would not have stooped to his level. And then what: was it me who told her to run away? Mihaela only ever thought about herself. That’s the truth. They kicked out Uncle Costica. The director resigned. Finally. Investigation after investigation. Report after report. An indelible stain for the zoo. An indelible stain for the city.
ANIMAL 2. It’s true she didn’t think too much about us, the others. It’s still her fault that they put electric fences around us. I can barely move in my cage. Now I have to be careful not to ruffle my feathers.
ANIMAL 1. So what, did we push her out? Did I do it? Did you do it? It’s all her fault!
ANIMAL 3. But, come on, shut up, you’re talking nonsense!
ANIMAL 1. Shut up yourself!
ANIMAL 3. Why should I shut up?
ANIMAL 1. All the time making a big mouth, that’s all you can do.
ANIMAL 3. Come on, shut up or I’ll give you a… Do you see the claws there?
ANIMAL 1. I’ll break your nose, you can’t even imagine!
ANIMAL 2. Okay, stop yelling like that! What are we, savages?
ANIMAL 3. Maybe you want one too.
ANIMAL 2. Go ahead, go ahead! And then we wonder what men think of us.
ANIMAL 1. Look, you know what? No pictures. It’s okay, we’ve had enough. We’ve had enough publicity as it is…
ANIMAL 3. And I wish they wouldn’t give my real name, okay? My name is Kitty. Just to make it clear. So there won’t be any Puss in there, okay?
ALL. Neither of Marcel. Nor Lili. Nor Gica. Nor Mircicä. Nor Blacki. Nor Coco. Nor Cristina. Nor Lucy. Nor Pamela. Nor Mitica.
ANIMAL 1. We also have the right to anonymity.
ANIMAL 3. And the discussion about Uncle Costica… I wish it wasn’t broadcast in its entirety. I wish people wouldn’t understand that it’s me. Because people make all kinds of connections and I don’t want any trouble. The zoo is small and you saw how the animals are…
ANIMAL 2. And the message? What will your message be?
ANIMAL 1. I mean in what light are you going to present us? Our animal identity is very important.
ANIMAL 3: How will the zoo appear, how will it be presented to the city? To the country? To the world?
ANIMAL 2. Attention: what we have said about humans must remain between us. Use only the positive. Because there are a lot of them.
ANIMAL 3. What happened with Mihaela was an unfortunate incident. But we love this place.
ANIMAL 2. What will your message be?
ANIMAL 1. We are a model zoo.
ANIMAL 2. I really want to know what the message will be. The message!
ANIMAL 3. In general, everyone is quiet here.
ANIMAL 1. In general, we mind our own business.
ANIMAL 2. In general, we like tourists.
ANIMAL 3. In general, we like men.
ANIMAL 1. In general, we love each other here, we love each other
respect each other, we help each other.
ANIMAL 2. In general, we are lonely with each other. We are very lonely.
ANIMAL 1. Solidarity.
ANIMAL 3. Are you really only looking for scandal? Are you? Holy crap.
ANIMAL 2. So, in general, we are not lonely, we are very lonely. very lonely, by God!
ANIMAL 3. In general, we are doing very well. Even wonderfully well. Which we wish you too!
ALL. Is this recorded?
L'Atelier Théâtre 